Caliborn's Stories 3: The Half-Life Series
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: The Half-Life games, as summarized by the Homestuck character Caliborn. Rated T for language and violence.


I HEAR THAT. THE SAME PEOPLE. ARE BEHIND THE GAME. THAT I MOCKED. HAVING IT BECOME MY MOST RECENT HIT. AND THIS ONE. SO. IT'S ONLY FAIR. THAT I ALSO MOCK THIS PIECE.

ANYWAY. CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

HALF-LIFE. THE SERIES.

THE FIRST GAME. HALF-LIFE 1. IS THE FIRST ONE. EVER MADE BY THE GAME COMPANY. AND IT TURNS OUT. THAT MAKING GAMES. MAKES THE GAME COMPANY INSANE. SO THIS IS ACTUALLY. A MORE DOWN-TO-EARTH GAME THAN THE OTHERS. FOR ONE. IT ACTUALLY CONCERNS A MALE. NAMED GORDON FREEMAN.

GORDON FREEMAN. WAS AN EMPLOYEE. OF A SCIENCE LABORATORY. NOT UNLIKE THAT. OF THE PORTAL SERIES.

WAIT.

I THINK I HEARD THE NAME. "BLACK MESA". BEFORE. LET ME THINK ABOUT IT. WHILE I GIVE THE STORY.

GORDON FREEMAN. WAS AN EMPLOYEE. OF THE BLACK MESA COMPANY. WHICH CONDUCTED SCIENCE. AWESOME SCIENCE. LIKE TELEPORTATION. LIKE THE SCIENCE LABORATORY. OF THE PORTAL GAMES. EXCEPT WITHOUT THE FETISH FOR ROBOTS. WHICH MAKES IT MORE AWESOME.

BUT THEN. THE SHITS AT BLACK MESA RUINED IT. BY CREATING SOMETHING. CALLED THE RESONANCE CASCADE. SOMETHING ABOUT CHEESE? I CAN'T REMEMBER.

SO THIS RESONANCE CASCADE. MADE A PORTAL TO A PLANET. NAMED XEN. FROM WHICH ALIENS CAME. MAKING FOR A STEREOTYPICAL VIDEO GAME ENVIRONMENT. WHERE YOU KILL MONSTERS. AND THAT'S THE ENTIRE PLOT.

EXCEPT NOT REALLY.

HEARING OF THE RESONANCE CASCADE. THE GOVERNMENT CAME. AND STARTED KILLING EVERYONE. BOTH MONSTERS. AND SCIENTISTS. AND GORDON FREEMAN. EXCEPT. MUCH LIKE THE HUMAN BITCH. FROM THE PORTAL SERIES. GORDON RESISTED DEATH. AND MADE IT. TO THE OTHER PART. OF THE TREMENDOUS FACILITY. THAT FOR SOME REASON. WAS ALSO FOCUSED ON TELEPORTATION. TO THE GODDAMN XEN PLACE.

SO WHILE THE GOVERNMENT. WAS FOCUSED ON JUST BLOWING THE BLACK MESA PLACE UP. GORDON FREEMAN WAS TOLD. THAT IF HE MAKES IT TO THE XEN PLACE. AND KILLS ITS LEADER "NIHILANTH". THEN MONSTERS WILL STOP INVADING. SO HE MADE IT. AND WHILE IN THE REAL WORLD. BLACK MESA WAS TOO BUSY BLOWING UP. IN XEN. GORDON FREEMAN WAS TOO BUSY KILLING NIHILANTH. AND SUCCEEDED.

BUT THEN EVERYTHING WAS RUINED. BY A MALE WITH A SUITCASE. WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE AN ALIEN.

THE MALE WITH A SUITCASE. WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE AN ALIEN. FOUND GORDON. AND GAVE HIM AN OFFER. EITHER GORDON BEGINS WORKING WITH THE MALE. OR HE IS FUCKING KILLED. AND THE CHOICE. WAS DELIBERATELY LEFT AMBIGUOUS. WITH THE END OF HALF-LIFE 1. BUT AS YOU'LL SEE. THERE WAS NO CHOICE.

ANYWAY. SO BLACK MESA WAS BLOWN UP. AND NIHILANTH WAS KILLED. AND EVERYONE THOUGHT. THAT ALIENS WOULD STOP INVADING EARTH.

BUT NOPE. SOME OTHER DUDES. NAMED THE COMBINE. INVADED EARTH. AND TOOK IT OVER. KIND OF LIKE. HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION. JUST SEIZING CONTROL OF EVERYTHING. AND MAKING PEOPLE STOP REPRODUCING. AND MAKING THE AIR TOXIC.

BUT BEFORE THEY COULD DO THAT. I THINK IT WAS TWENTY HUMAN SWEEPS. THE MALE WITH A SUITCASE SHOWED UP. AND BROUGHT GORDON BACK. IMPLYING. THAT HE EMPLOYED GORDON AFTER ALL. AND THUS. THE SECOND GAME. HALF-LIFE 2. COMMENCED.

AS IT TURNS OUT. MOST OF THE PEOPLE FROM BLACK MESA. WERE ALIVE. AND ONE SCIENTIST. HAD A HUMAN DAUGHTER. WHO KICKED ASS. MUCH LIKE. THE HUMAN BITCH FROM PORTAL AGAIN.

SO ANYWAY. GORDON WAS RELEASED. UPON THIS NEW SHITTY WORLD. AND CONFRONTED THE BLACK MESA MALES. AND THAT ONE BITCH. WITH THE INTENT. OF GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE. VIA A TELEPORTER. (THE GAME COMPANY. REALLY LIKES TELEPORTERS.)

BUT THE TELEPORTER MALFUNCTIONED. AND THE NEW GOVERNMENT. LED BY THE SAME GUY AS BLACK MESA BEFORE. ORDERED TO GET RID OF GORDON. BECAUSE OTHERWISE. THE GAME WOULDN'T BE FUN.

SO GORDON. WAS BROUGHT RIGHT BACK WHERE HE STARTED. AND NEEDED TO MAKE IT TO WHEREVER ON FOOT. ALL THE WHILE. THE COMBINE WERE TRYING TO KILL HIM. AND HE GOT HIMSELF. INTO PHYSICS PUZZLES. AS PART OF THE GAME COMPANY'S PLOY. "OH LOOK. OUR GAME HAS AWESOME PHYSICS. AND WHAT A BETTER WAY TO SHOWCASE IT. THAN TO MAKE THESE PHYSICS. INTEGRAL TO BEATING THE GAME."

SO GORDON MADE IT. TO THE GODDAMN FACILITY. THAT WAS ACTUALLY NAMED. BLACK MESA 2. WHERE HE MET THE TROUPE OF SCIENTISTS. AND THEY ALL HAD PLANNED A GETAWAY. TO MAKE IT THE FUCK OUT OF THE COMBINE WORLD. TO WHEREVER. DUDES. THE WHOLE WORLD HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER. THERE IS NOWHERE TO RUN TO.

SO THEY RAN. THROUGH A ZOMBIE-INFESTED CITY. CALLED RAVENHOLM. THEN. TO SOME ROADS. WHERE THE COMBINE DID SHIT TO THEM. AND FINALLY. TO A JAIL. WHERE THERE WAS. YOU GUESSED IT. ANOTHER TELEPORTER.

THIS TELEPORTER. TOOK GORDON TO. A WEEK IN THE FUTURE. BUT AS PORTAL 2 PEER REVIEW PROVED. ONE WEEK. IS A FUCKING LONG TIME. NOW EVERYONE WAS REBELLING. AGAINST THE COMBINE. AND GORDON. WAS THEIR SPIRITUAL LEADER. BECAUSE OF I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT. BACK IN THE XEN PLACE. HE KILLED NIHILANTH. AND THE COMBINE. WERE THE ONLY SPECIES IN XEN? SO GORDON. ACTUALLY MADE HALF-LIFE 2. INTO A THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?

THAT'S IRRELEVANT. ANYWAY. SO GORDON'S STRATEGY NOW. WAS TO GO IN. RATHER THAN OUT. TO APPREHEND THE HUMAN PUPPET. THAT WAS "BEHIND ALL THIS." AND KILL HIM. AND THERE WERE MORE COMBINE ENEMIES. THAT DID NOTHING. LIKE THE "STRIDERS."

THAT'S RIGHT. STRIDERS. NOT THOSE COOL DUDES WITH SUNGLASSES THOUGH. THIS GAME COMPANY. JUST TOOK THE ENTIRETY OF MY WORLD. AND MADE IT BAD. AND VIDEO GAME-LIKE.

SO GORDON KILLED MORE COMBINE SPECIES. AND THE GODDAMN STRIDERS. AND MADE IT. TO A GIANT BUILDING. IN THE CENTER OF THE NEW WORLD. NAMED THE CITADEL. WHERE HE MET. THE HUMAN PUPPET. AND THERE WAS A FINAL BOSS FIGHT. BETWEEN THEM.

AND THE FIGHT ENDED UP. BLOWING UP THE NUCLEAR REACTOR. ATOP THE CITADEL. (THE GAME COMPANY. HAS TWO MAJOR STAPLES. TELEPORTATION. AND BLOWING SHIT UP.) BUT THEN. FUCKING MALE WITH A SUITCASE SHOWED UP. AGAIN. AND SAID SOMETHING LIKE. "MISSION NUMBER 1 DONE. NOW LET'S WATCH THE AFTERMATH." AND TUCKED GORDON. UNDERNEATH THE RUBBLE. THUS SETTING UP. HALF-LIFE 2. EPISODE ONE.

IN THAT GAME. THAT ONE BITCH SHOWED UP AGAIN. SHE IS REALLY INTEGRAL TO THE STORY. SO SHE DISCOVERED GORDON. WITH HER ROBOT COMPANION. THAT DID DOG SHIT IN THE OTHER GAME. BUT STILL WAS A THING. AND THE THREE. HEADED TO THE BROKEN CITADEL APART. TO BLOW SHIT UP. ONCE AGAIN. THERE WAS. ANOTHER REACTOR. AND ONCE THAT ONE WAS BLOWN UP. A DELAYED FUNCTION BOMB WOULD ACTIVATE. THAT WOULD BLOW UP THE WHOLE CITY.

SO NOW. GORDON, THAT ONE BITCH AND THE ROBOT COMPANION MADE IT OUT. KILLING MORE MONSTERS. AND DEALING WITH PUZZLE SHIT. UNTIL THEY GOT SURROUNDED BY STRIDERS. AND KILLED THEM. AND GOT TO A TRAIN STATION. TO MAKE IT OUT OF THE CITY. ON A TRAIN. WHEN THE BOMB FINALLY ACTIVATED. AND BLEW UP THE CITY.

IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT. HALF-LIFE 2. EPISODE TWO BEGAN. GORDON AND THAT ONE BITCH. FOUND THEMSELVES IN A RUINED TRAIN. AND WERE TO MAKE ANOTHER RENDEZ-VOUS. WITH THE SCIENTISTS. TO BLOW ONE MORE THING UP.

TURNS OUT. THE COMBINE DIDN'T JUST MAGICALLY APPEAR ON OUR PLANET. THEY NEEDED. A GIANT PORTAL. TO COME THROUGH. AND CONQUER THE PLANET. SO THE TROUPE. WENT ON. AND BLEW THAT SHIT UP. SO THE COMBINES. WERE AN ISLAND NOW. AND ONCE THE GOOD GUYS. KILLED ALL THE COMBINES. THE WORLD WOULD BE HUMANS' AGAIN. MAN. IT'S ALL JUST KILLING AND BLOWING SHIT UP.

AND NOW. THE HUMANS WERE SET TO MAKE IT. TO THE FINAL SHOWDOWN PLACE. AT THE ARCTIC. IN A SHIP. OWNED BY A SCIENCE LABORATORY.

NO, NOT THE BLACK MESA SCIENCE LABORATORY. THE *OTHER* SCIENCE LABORATORY. THE ONE FROM THE PORTAL SERIES. TURNS OUT. THEY WERE CONDUCTING SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS. AND ACCIDENTALLY SENT A SHIP. TO THE HALF-LIFE UNIVERSE. TO THE FREAKING ARCTIC. AND IF THE COMBINE WERE TO GET THERE. BEFORE THE HUMANS DID. SHIT WOULD ENSUE AGAIN.

BUT NOPE. THE GAME COMPANY. HAS TO BE THE WORST SHITS EVER. AND PULL ANOTHER CUT SHORT ENDING. THEREFORE. THE STORY HAS NOW COME TO.

THE END.

HALF-LIFE 2 EPISODE THREE. WOULD BE A POPULAR SUBJECT OF DISCUSSION. AS WELL AS HALF-LIFE 3. AND EPISODE FOUR. "WHEN IS THE GAME COMPANY EVER GOING TO MAKE THEM". UNTIL THE JOKE DEVOLVED. INTO NOTHING. AND SIMPLY FINDING OCCURRENCES OF THREES. AND CLAIMING IT TO BE. "HALF-LIFE 3 CONFIRMED."

LIKE FOR EXAMPLE. CALIBORN'S STORIES. THERE ARE THREE OF THEM RIGHT NOW. SO HALF-LIFE 3 CONFIRMED?

BLEH. I HAVE TO STOP. BUT BEFORE I STOP. THE TRADITIONAL ENDING.

"LEAVE ME SUGGESTIONS. ON WHAT STORY. I SHOULD BE TAKING ON NEXT. I MEAN. I AM AN EXPERT ON THIS. I WILL HANDLE THIS.

FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut"

P.S. THE HALF-LIFE AND PORTAL JOINT ENDING. IS NOW UP. GO CATCH UP WITH IT. ON THE PORTAL STORY.


End file.
